1. The first day of 2014

    Wow, another year has flown by! It’s hard to believe it’s already 2014.
    2013 was a crazy mess of a year, and I’m so glad to be starting fresh. Back to dieting hard, working out everyday, and taking care of myself physically and emotionally.  For whatever reason, 2013 just really took a toll on me- too many things going on that just drained me emotionally and in turn, I binge drank all semester and made horrible life decisions (no surprise there).

    I’m determined to make a change starting now. No more drinking until I black out. No more sleeping with people who don’t mean a thing to me. No more eating unhealthy foods and in turn hating my body. I’m going to try to write my feelings more rather than keep them bottled up until I can’t take it. I’m going to try to be happy with myself. I’m going to study more and get ready to take my educator certification tests. Two semesters of class and one semester of student teaching to get through before I graduate and head off to Europe. I just need to make it seventeen more months. There’s finally a light at the end of the tunnel.

    Not that I don’t enjoy being at university or partying with my friends, I do.
    This semester just made me realize I’m trying to fill a void in my life with endless bottles of alcohol, and nameless guys I have no desire to get to know or even talk to. My original resolution for 2014 was to be a “bad bitch”- to not care anymore, to do whatever I want without feelings or thoughts afterwards. But really, isn’t that what I was doing all this past year? Doing whatever my drunk self thought was okay, and then dealing with the aftermath the next day? Hurting countless people, and myself in the process. I wasn’t a good person this past year. Not in the slightest.
    But I’m really going to try to change that. Maybe I shouldn’t drink. Maybe I shouldn’t go out. Maybe I should take a break from having sex. I need to learn how to be okay by myself and not turn to alcohol before I can be a functional adult. This is just the first step.

    2014 is going to bring good things, I just have to work hard to ensure I don’t get stuck in this slump again.

  2. Collar bone improvement :) 143.5 lbs


  3. Three days to go!

    After last night’s freak out, I was dreading my morning weigh in… Good news though, I was the same as the day before at 143.5 lbs.

    Today I ate more than I have been the past month and a half. I had an apple, cherry  tomatoes, lettuce, and broccoli. For my work out, I biked 10 miles and walked 3 miles on the treadmill. Hopefully I won’t have gained any weight by tomorrow.

    It was definitely difficult eating more today. So I took it slowly, and with every couple bites, I would wait 5-10 minutes so I wouldn’t inhale it all and then get sick. I’m working my way back into a somewhat normal (but clean) eating pattern (hopefully with three meals a day again). I read that I need to start slowly so I don’t immediately gain all the weight back. Hopefully it’ll be alright and I won’t gain a ton of weight at Ganza (booze and actually having to eat since my mom and sister will be with me).

    AHHH so excited/nervous :)


  4. Four more days…

    AHHHH!!! Ganza has crept up on me so quickly!

    I weighed in at 143.5 lbs this morning, and then walked 3 miles at 4 mph, 1 mile at 5 mph, and 1 mile at 3.5 mph. Then… (sad news time) my mom and younger sister came down to where I attend university and we shopped a bit then went out to dinner. I had a salad (about 115 calories, so not bad) and then one glass of wine and two martinis. So about 560 calories in alcohol alone!! So now I feel awful and just tried to puke (not much came up) and have been running up the three flights to my dorm room and doing jumping jacks and mountain climbers.

    My total amount of calories today was 675, while my calories burned (only at the gym, not including all the walking and stair climbing) were about 333. I feel like such a shitty human being right now.

    We shall see how much this affects me tomorrow, but whether it makes a huge difference or not, I’m going to try to bike 15 miles tomorrow and treadmill another 5 miles. I have four days, I can’t fuck things up this close to my events! …Although the martinis WERE delicious, and I haven’t had any alcohol for almost a month…


  5. 13 Days

    I weighed in this morning at 143.5 lbs.

    Got a lecture from my mom today about how I’m not eating enough, so I’m upping my food intake but with healthy foods and I’ll continue to work out. I’ll weigh myself Monday when I’m back at university and update then.


  6. 14 Days!

    This morning I weighed in at 144lbs again. No complaining there.
    But for dinner I ate a little plain lettuce with about ten cherry tomatoes and ground black pepper on top and now I feel OBESE. I seriously feel like I gained five pounds and look much bigger. This is so depressing. And now I’m home so I have my mom peering over my shoulder freaking out about what I’m eating. I didn’t get a chance to hit the gym today since I was finishing up midterms, so I went to dance practice tonight which made me sweat, but I never really got too out of breath. It was a bunch of Serbian and Bulgarian dances, so they were faster and a better work out than other dances, but still.
    Hopefully the damage won’t be too detrimental and fasting while my mom is out of town Friday and Saturday will help.
    I hate being fat :( And I’m going shopping tomorrow. Kill me now


  7. 16 Days

    I have class late tonight, so I’m posting now since I’m done eating for the day.

    I weighed in this morning at 144.5 lbs (past 145!!!) and have eaten one apple today. I worked out for a brief bit between being in the classroom this morning and going to my long block of classes. I walked three miles at 4 mph and did a lot of stretching and hip/inner thigh exercises using my own body weight.

    Still feeling great and my collarbones are looking wonderful. LOVE IT.


  8. 17 More Days

    I forgot to post last night, too busy studying for midterms, but I weighed in at 145.5 lbs yesterday morning!!

    So exciting. And I was very good and only had an apple again, and did 10 miles (going between 12 and 13 mph), and did an easy 3 mile walk at 3.5 mph with a couple spurts of running at 5 mph.

    I’m observing in an elementary school this morning and am therefore wearing dress pants that I bought last year, and they look even better (although a bit loose, but that’s better than tight!) I’m really proud of myself and feel amazing.

    And I realized the past two pictures I’ve posted have my hair up, so I took one yesterday with my hair down. My face definitely looks thinner, I just need to get a body shot up now.


  9. Lost more weight!

    As of this morning, I am officially under 150 lbs. To be exact, I’m now 147.5 lbs. I got to where my mom wanted me to be and more :) I’m seeing her tonight so I can’t wait to see her reaction. I feel so confident, energetic, and happy. Some of my friends are a bit worried, but I think they’re seeing the change in my self-esteem and understand why I have to do this.


  10. Just binged :(

    I feel like absolute hell right now.

    I’ve been sick since last Sunday and hadn’t been able to eat from last Sunday until today. I just ate an apple, some celery and peanut butter and feel disgusting. I felt better when I hadn’t eaten for six days. Definitely not eating tomorrow, I feel like I’m about to puke.

    I worked out for an hour and a half though, so hopefully that’ll help negate those calories.

    I’m so disappointed in myself for even agreeing to go to the cafeteria in the first place, nothing good ever comes out of going to a University cafeteria that serves buffet style. I’m not going to eat again until I go home after finals (Thursday) and then I’ll keep it to one salad per day and lots of exercise.

    I will be thin. I will be.